


here, but half a world away

by cynical_optimist



Series: always meant to say goodbye [1]
Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power
Genre: Adora/Glimmer if you squint, Angst, F/F, POV Second Person, Post-Season/Series 01
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-20
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-08-26 14:22:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16683274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cynical_optimist/pseuds/cynical_optimist
Summary: Before leaving the Horde, you had never spent the night alone. But your arms are empty now, and cold, and you can imagine in clear detail the sight of Catra next to you, nose twitching in sleep, tail curled up around your hips. || After the battle, Adora tries and fails to sleep.





	here, but half a world away

**Author's Note:**

> So I finished the series a few hours ago, and have since written this and put together a playlist, which can be found [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6hDlI8oK96mgJlhMQv13Zr/), if you're so inclined. Thanks as always to my amazing beta [Sarah](http://canonicallyanxious.tumblr.com/), who fell asleep to me halfway through the series and woke up to a fic to edit. You're a champ.
> 
> Title from Thrice's [Salt and Shadow](https://genius.com/Thrice-salt-and-shadow-lyrics): _you're here but it's clear you're just salt and shadow/here, but half a world away_.

The battle is over, Etheria is saved, and you cannot sleep.

You lie on your side, one hand curled under your pillow, back still burning in long, deep lines, and your eyes stay open. The last time you tried to close them was ten minutes and forty-three seconds ago. It didn’t last long; all you could see was Catra, so many years ago, caught up in Shadow Weaver’s magic, panicked and pained. The world had flashed red around you, hot and bright and terrible, and Catra, sobbing, said that she had picked the wrong fight, that she was fine and didn’t need your help, that she’d miss you, that she never wanted you to return, that she’d hoped for you to return and you never did.

Your back aches and burns, despite the poultices the healers applied. Catra has scratched you before, but never like this— never to maim, never to kill. She has tried to kill you more than once in just the last few hours, and that’s—

That’s something you’d prefer not to think about.

It’s been fifteen minutes since you last closed your eyes, so you try again. You’re not sure how long it’s been since you properly slept, or if your time in the ruins might count as sleeping, but your body feels weighed down at the ends, like you could sink right through the floor and down into the depths of the planet until you found yourself curled up at its heart, away from all of this. One beat, and then another, and the darkness closes in behind your eyes, and—

You are balanced on the edge of a deep, dark hole, and Catra has your hand secure in her own, the warmth heady and familiar.

“Did you really think I’d let Shadow Weaver erase your memories?” she asks, and pulls your arm, and every part of you is filled with deep relief. Her smile widens, deep and dark and terrible, and she lets go.

You fall.

You fall.

You fall.

You open your eyes. You breathe, and count each exhale. It has been fifteen seconds since you last tried to close them, and your heart hammers against your ribs, yearning and terrified. Against your chest, you hold your pillow tight, and it is warmed only by your body.

Before leaving the Horde, you had never spent the night alone. No matter how furious you and Catra were at each other, she would curl up with you at night, head cushioned on your chest or stomach or knees, arms wrapped so tightly around you she could feel the moment you woke up. When she had nightmares, her claws would dig into your skin, and you would stroke her hair and ears until she found herself again. When you did, she curled into you so tightly that you felt the weight, even in your dreams, and knew that you were safe.

Your arms are empty now, and cold, and you can imagine in clear detail the sight of Catra next to you, nose twitching in sleep, tail curled up around your hips.

_ I’m sorry _ , you want to say to her— and yet, how could you? No matter what you had done to make her feel you were better than her, no matter how many times you left her behind, she had tried to destroy Etheria, to conquer Bright Moon and continue this rampage against innocent life until— until what? Until the Horde held control of the entire world? What could satisfy Catra now?

But  _ first ones _ , if you’d known what to say in the ruins. If you’d known how to say it.

Maybe if you’d told her you’ve regretted not taking her with you. Maybe if you’d talked about how difficult it is to sleep without her— how you haven’t been able to sleep alone since the first time Catra snuck into your bed and informed you it was hers now, too. 

Maybe if you told her you’ve loved her as long as you can remember, in every way you can count.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

You close your eyes again, but only for a moment; a warm tear runs over your nose, and you blink again.

If Catra were to turn herself in now, were to show even the slightest hint of remorse, you think you would welcome her back with open arms; you’re not sure if that makes you a terrible She-Ra. She’s supposed to protect Etheria, isn’t she? What sort of protector are you, to fold like a scrap of paper at a word from your childhood friend? Are you any better than Mara? You’ve never been good at protecting people.

Maybe one day you’re going to cost Etheria everything, just as Light Hope said.

The thought is a cold weight in your gut, and still your arms are empty and your mind is full. You have saved the world today, and you have lost the only person that mattered to you through every step of your childhood.

Maybe, if it were only the two of you in the entire world, everything would start to be okay.

There is a soft knock at your door, and you only barely lift your head from your damp pillow before Glimmer sparks into being a few steps from your bed.

“Glimmer?” you mutter, and her soft glow illuminates her weary, peaceful expression.

“You’re still awake,” she whispers. “I stayed with Mom until she fell asleep at the healer’s, but Bow went to bed ages ago.”

“Oh,” you say, and Glimmer takes a couple steps forward. You wipe at your face surreptitiously, but see her eyes track the movement. “Um. The healer sent me to get rest. I wanted to stay up, but.”

“I just didn’t want to sleep alone,” Glimmer says, and something tight in you shatters at her words. You take a deep breath, then let it out.

“You can stay with me,” you reply, and she smiles, soft and bright. It takes a moment, and stretches painfully at your back, but you wiggle back in your bed to leave her room.

She climbs in, and immediately shifts up the bed so that your head is resting on her soft shoulder, her arms wrapped gently around yours. Glimmer stirs carefully, but even the small motion shifts your back, and you wince.

“Sorry,” she whispers, and you shake your head. It’s fine; a little discomfort is the least of your worries today. Finally, she settles, and you relax into her as she pulls your blanket up around the two of you.

It’s been a very long time since you’ve felt this comfortable, and you grip at her pajamas, letting yourself blink once, and then again. Your eyes feel wet still, and you hope she doesn’t feel it.

“We’re okay,” Glimmer says, the words firm and hopeful— and maybe she doesn’t know why you’re lying here avoiding sleep and trying not to cry, and maybe she would hate you if she did, but a deep part of you lulls at her words.

“Yeah,” you answer, and close your eyes. You’ve never been able to sleep alone, but here, cuddled up with Glimmer, safe in a kingdom that has welcomed you as its own, you close your eyes, and breathe.

**Author's Note:**

> Come chat to me about this show and these characters at boxesfullofthoughts on tumblr, or lydthethinker on twitter!


End file.
